Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
