two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
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