he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
