The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
