i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
