I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
