a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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