i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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