If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
