We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
