She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
