"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
It's blow job season.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Randomize
