best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Randomize
