you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
