the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
