I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
