the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
How does it feel to date your dad?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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