I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
