just come out here and I will go home with you...
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
