It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
