I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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