im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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