bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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