PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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