dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
