tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
