I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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