i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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