I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
