Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
