my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
