my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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