Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
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