omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Dignity is for republicans.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
