So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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