I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
