well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
