Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
