I didn't shave. On purpose
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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