Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
