who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
