My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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