Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
