Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Randomize
