Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
did i just pee glitter
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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