I think I won the penis lottery.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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