im drinking this country out of the recession.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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