her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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