The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
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wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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