i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
