I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Randomize
