So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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