Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
