I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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