she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize