I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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