i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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