apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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