I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
How does one acquire holy water?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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