So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
